Domestic Violence is defined as physical, psychological, financial or emotional behaviors that are done within the confines of a personal relationship in order to control the other person. Partners do not necessarily have to be married for Domestic Violence to occur, it happens to those in dating relationships as well. Domestic violence includes a long list of behaviors that can be physical or emotional: hitting, pushing shoving, withholding of money, name calling, humiliation, manipulation, threats of harm, secluding the partner from family or friends, not allowing the partner to have gainful employment, intimidation, demeaning or embarrassing the partner on purpose, sexual assault/rape including unwanted or forced activities, and stalking just to name a few. However, the list is not limited to these. Violence both physical and emotional can occur in many forms. Statics are startling, according to CNN it is estimated that every 15 seconds someone is abused by a partner who claims to love them. One of the most misunderstood forms of abuse is verbal abuse, so this will be our focus.  

Verbal abuse leaves no physical proof of the damage, but it is often as serious as physical violence; because, it destroys self esteem, confidence, self worth and leaves the abused person feeling unlovable. Verbal abusers seem almost energized by their actions, while they leave their partner feeling drained. The “scars” created by emotional and verbal abuse often run deep and have lasting devastating effects. While, physical abuse is obvious, many women who are severely verbally abused do not even realize or understand that they are enduring abuse. All they know is that they feel hurt, powerless, and angry. They most likely do not believe that they are in danger. Additionally, adding to the confusion is that fact that most verbal abusers are extremely charming to the outside world. They compliment you just enough to keep you, but insult you just enough to keep you insecure and controlled. It is important to know that if you grew up in a home where any type of abuse occurred, then you are more likely to end up in an abusive relationship yourself.

Now we must be left wondering, are there any patterns to emotionally abusive behaviors? The answer is clearly yes. Emotional and verbal abuse generally comes in the form of three behavior patterns. They are Denying, Minimizing, and Aggressing; and an in depth look at each is needed.

Denying occurs when the abusive partner refuses to acknowledge their partner’s reality. This can occur with statements such as, “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” to “I never said that,” or “That’s not what happened.” Abusers enjoy twisting their partner’s words. These type of statements distort the abused partners reality and undermine what they believe to be true. Withholding is also another form of denying, this can occur in more than one form, but includes, the silent treatment, refusing to communicate, refusing to listen, walking away without answering you, or even emotionally withdrawing as a form of punishment. Finally, denying can also include the abusive partner denying ANY viewpoint which differs from their own.

Minimizing is a less extreme form of Denying, but it is just as detrimental. This occurs when the abusive partner demeans, trivializes or minimizes their partner’s reaction to an event or situation. This occurs with statements such as “You’re overreacting,” to “your too sensitive,” “you have no sense of humor,” to “you’re blowing this out of proportion,” to “get over it cause I am having a bad day, or am not feeling well.” However, they will expect the abused partner to maintain and keep up responsibilities and socialization even when they are truly not well. These statements leave the abused person questioning their responses and feelings. They end feeling that they cannot trust their emotions and this is detrimental to their self esteem and feelings of self worth.

The third form of verbal abuse that we will address is Aggressing. Aggressing includes direct forms such as: Name calling, threatening, blaming and accusing. They come in the form of, “where were you,” to “what took you so long,” or incessant accusals of “you’re cheating.” Basically, the statements are meant to do nothing more than judge the abused partner, and further demean their esteem. Aggressing threats can include, “if you don’t stop I’ll leave/ or make you leave.” Aggressing can include less direct forms such as criticizing, advising, analyzing or probing such as, “what’s wrong with you,” or “you’re doing that wrong,” to “can’t you do anything right.” In essence they enjoy hurting you while you are down.

Verbal abusers always have standard responses as to why the abuse has occurred. The most common excuses include: “I’m having a bad day,” “I don’t feel well,” “I was just joking,” “I am upset with my ex,” “this is your fault,” “you’re not bringing this up again,” “this is getting old,” “I love you, but sometime you…,” and of course, “you know I didn’t mean it, or I am sorry.” These excuses and apologies mean nothing, because they do not correct or change the abusers behaviors. In fact most verbal abusers eventually escalate to physical violence.

So, the question now remains what to do if you believe that you or someone you know may be in an abusive relationship? First and most importantly the abuse must be recognized and acknowledged as unacceptable. Talk to people that you trust, such as family, friends, clergy, a doctor, or therapist. Begin to educate yourself on abuse, the more you understand the better off you will be. Create a safety plan for yourself and children. Seek professional help. Leave immediately if your fear the situation will escalate to physical violence.  Call 911 immediately if physical violence occurs.

In conclusion this piece was written in honor of Farrah Fawcett and her dedication to helping those suffering at the hand or voice of an abuser. Additionally, to one of my dear friends, I am hoping after you read this that you will realize you ARE ABUSED, and do something about it. NewAgeVenus.Com hopes and prays that this information will help even one woman realize the precarious situation that they are in and give them the strength to leave. Below are several links, resources and references. Please get help if your suspect you are enduring any type of abuse. Realize that in the time that it took you to read this article approximately 16-20 women were abused.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE(7233)
http://www.ndvh.org/

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
Phone: (303) 839-1852
http://www.ncadv.org/aboutus.php

For a listing of State by state domestic violence shelters
http://www.letswrap.com/usadv/

References:
http://www.domesticviolence.org/definition/
http://www.drirene.com/verbalabuse.htm
http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1282/is_n14_v46/ai_15674702/
http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/?page_id=168
http://www.cyberparent.com/abuse/femalemental.htm