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A Mother’s Victorious Struggle through the Grief of Stillbirth

Stillbirth devastates the lives of those it effects. Stillbirth is technically defined as a fetus dying in utero after reaching 20-24 weeks of gestation (sources vary on 20 – 24 week time frame.) It occurs an average of every 20 minutes in the United States, according to the American Pregnancy Association, totaling in approximately 26,000 infant deaths each and every year. It happens to healthy careful women, sick and high risk women, rich, poor, and for a multitude of reasons. Yet, it is a world that is still surrounded in silence. Lorraine Ash was a 40 year old woman whose world was devastated on June 2, 1999. After a healthy full-term pregnancy, her daughter Victoria Helen Ash was stillborn. While grieving her own loss, her journalist instinct kicked in and Mrs. Ash realized there were few resources available to mothers enduring this type of grief; and even fewer resources available written by people who had actually lived through the torturous pain caused by stillbirth.

Lorraine Ash refused to continue to allow silence to shroud this tragedy. In her book, Life Touches Life: A Mother’s Story of Stillbirth and Healing (New Sage Press, May 2004, $15.00), Mrs. Ash bravely shares the details of her emotional journey and healing after the loss of her daughter. Ash gives a compelling account of the tragedy and triumph that altered every fiber of her world, as she endured the grieving process in the years after the loss of her only child.

Lorraine details the natural bonding process that occurred during her pregnancy. She shares her private hopes and dreams for both her pregnancy and child. She even shares intensely personal portions of conversations she and her husband, Bill, had with their unborn child, while she was in utero.

This is a heart breaking but necessary story, that as a mother of a stillborn child, I read in small segments; because it was so real and intense, it brought back the carnage of my own loss. Life Touches Life takes the reader on Ash’s family’s emotionally wrenching journey of loss, chaos and tragedy, to healing, hope, and survival.

As a journalist, novelist, and playwright, Ash’s hopes for writing this book included filling the gap for grieving mothers. I can personally attest that when I lost my son in 1994, there were a sum total of only 4 pamphlets made available for me, as resources for dealing with the grief. They included: When Hello Means Goodbye (a 48 page booklet), Father’s Grieve Too (a single page folded pamphlet), Your Next Baby (a single page folded pamphlet), and Being with Parents After Their Baby Dies (also, a single page folded pamphlet). While, I found When Hello Means Goodbye, remotely helpful it only included small sections by people who had actually experienced the loss of stillbirth; the rest was written in a clinically professional manner. Your Next Baby, I found offensive; because, it assumes women can have another child while falsely and coldly stating a new pregnancy would restore my feelings of self worth.

Ash’s 174 page story is so personal and heartfelt that the reader experiences the emotional journey with her. It avoided the clichés that professionals recite. Life Touches Life, is a must read for any woman, or family member, who has had their world shattered by stillbirth. In the forward, Dr. C. Northrup calls Lorraine’s book, “The most hauntingly beautiful, honest and inspiring story of loss, grief and transformation.” Lorraine holds no punches and shares the insensitive and unintentionally cruel comments that she endured, as others couldn’t handle her loss. I think it maybe a sanity saver for women who experience the tragedy of stillbirth. Ash valiantly shares her hopes and closure in dealing with the loss of Victoria. Lorraine even courageously shares photos of her family’s devastation. Ash completes the story with statistics and an extensive list of resources for families grieving the loss of stillbirth.

Ash’s story made me sob, yet miraculously left me feeling hopeful. I commend Lorraine Ash for sharing her story, as I know from experience mothers in this situation need to know there are others out there who have survived this experience with their sanity intact. I know that Mrs. Ash’s story helped me to feel justified in the feelings and process; I survived after losing my own child. I wish this powerful story had been available after my own loss, and highly recommend this as a MUST HAVE resource for all families experiencing the grief of stillbirth.